I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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