fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
