Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
