I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
