You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
