Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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