just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
