Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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