you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
