this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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