I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
