***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
