Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's shark week go big or go home
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
