best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
