i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
