i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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