Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
