I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
