Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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