its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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