I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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