Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
