he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
