Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
