i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
