tell your sister to shave her snatch
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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