I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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