he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
