I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The adults are the big ones right?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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