I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
