Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
