White coat. Heels.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
