It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
