perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You're like the curious george of whores
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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