Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
