He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
