I wish you could order shots online.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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