So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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