The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
