I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
