Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
