I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
