Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
