Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
