I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
