I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
