Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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