i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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