my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
