Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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